Another day...

Today as usual was a slack day for me. But i have a test today and i forced myself to go to school to study. Though i reach school an hour earlier to study but nothing seem to be able to go into my mind. Thus i went for the test without understanding i have studied. The results was expected and of course i was supposed to be the last in the class. Though with a 19/40, i was suppose to feel very glad i failed this well. But deep down inside, i feel very hurt and angry with myself. I know the importance but still i put in no effort. This is really what you call a lazy person. Well... what is over is over. When you that things can't get any worse, it happened. I was thristy and while making my way to the mart to get a drink, i saw my first ex. I was like shocked when i saw her. I really jumped backwards when i saw her presence. Yes i greeted her but i felt i hate her. I don't know why but i just do. Maybe i feel that she is selfish and maybe because i am jealous i can't get her. I don't know what is this feeling. I am feeling very sad and painful right now i have to say. I hate this feeling very very much but it just alway comes back. I wonder why am i so prone to this feeling. I really wonder... I know somewhere in my heart i miss her and i love here. But in another part of the heart, i felt that she is not what i want. She chats with me only when she is bored. Looks for me only when her friends are not there to be with her. And avoids problem when encounted. Yes. Maybe you might say this, "Hey, its human nature!" or something like "Why can't you just bear with it?". I have to agree i am someone who is over-processive. But this is just how i feel. Is it my wrong? I really wonder... I need help and fast. But who can i seek? This is terrible...