14th March 2009
Waiting for the End
The past couple of weeks have been terrible for our gang of 4. Ellie has faded into a shadow of her former self. She’s no longer the funny, sexy, confident Queen Eleanor that I once knew. Its like as if someone has run her through the washing machine one too many times. You know what I mean. Faded. Colourless. That’s how she looks like now. Oh, she still comes to school, she listens to classes, she responds when someone talks to her. But every so often, when I glance in her direction, I see her eyes open, yet shut to the world. I see her ears, listening, yet not comprehending. And once, I saw a tear drop slide down her right cheek, before it was hastily brushed away by angry hands.
What Cameron did ostracized her from the entire school. After their very public argument in which he lashed out angrily at Ellie, everyone from the principal to the chicken-rice auntie knew that Ellie might be HIV positive.
Chicken-Rice Auntie: “Eh girl ah, that girl ah . . .” (points rudely at Ellie who is sitting alone at the furthest corner of the canteen) “ . . . she really got that one ah. You know . . . got AIDS ahh.”
Me: “Uh. I think today I eat Nasi Lemak lah auntie.”
(Anyway! It sure made Trey upset that Cameron openly argued with Ellie over this very private issue. He thinks that if you love somebody, you should always stand by her. But I think Cam’s response was actually an outlet for his frustrations. Sometimes, I see him staring at Ellie when he thinks nobody is looking. Perhaps when all this is over, there still might be a future for the two of them.)
I tried my best to support Ellie every way I could. I didn’t want to abandon her like everyone else had done. How could I? We hung out at each other’s homes, watched chick flicks, did pedicures, went shopping, etc. Yet deep down, the feeling of dread still lingered.
I guess, you’ve noticed too that I’ve hardly mentioned Trey in this post at all. With all that’s happened, I haven’t had the time or the energy to go out with Trey. We do all of our dating electronically now =) (Ahhh.. the wonders of MSN!) And of course, through our daily 100 sms-es and the ocassional 3 hr chat on the phone.But its different, talking is different from seeing. And its definitely different from touching and feeling. I can’t begin to IMAGINE how all those couples in LDR (long-distance relationships) take it. I miss him so much that I’m starting to dream about him. *cringe* No, not THOSE dreams! Get your mind of out of the gutter! Mostly I just dream of us doing stuff together, hanging out, laughing, having fun, kissing. *sighs*
I can’t wait for this whole thing to be over.
24th May 2009
OMG. Its Over.
3 months ago, we were at this same little clinic. The same nurse greeted us. And similarly, Ellie opted for the same 20 minute procedure. This time however, it wasn’t just the two of us. Surprisingly, Cameron had called up Ellie a few days before to ask her if he could accompany her today. Explains why Ellie was a little more dressed up than she had been in the past 2 months. I’m glad that the two of them are rediscovering their love for each other =) Trey couldn’t be there with us today, he had some errands to run for his dad.
The 3 of us sat there waiting, lost in our own thoughts. Cameron was staring hard at the floor. His lips pursed into a tight frown. Ellie was clenching her fists, eyes roving everywhere, chewing distractedly on her lips. And I . . . . was thinking about. . . Ellie. About what she would do, what we would all do, if the results were positive. I couldn’t seem to bring myself to think beyond that point. Ellie was only 18. She couldn’t be HIV positive. She just couldn’t.
All too soon, Ellie’s number was called and she disappeared into the consultation room. Cameron and I stared at each other anxiously. “She’ll be fine. She has to be.” I said to him desperately, more for my benefit than for his. Cameron just nodded and fixed his eyes on the door.
Suddenly, a loud sob cut through the thick silence. In the small front office, Ellie’s cry echoed loudly. Cameron bolted out of his chair and rushed into the room without knocking. I followed closely behind.
The doctor was just getting out from behind his table, seemingly shocked at Ellie’s reaction. She was sort of sitting on the floor, near the door, her legs bent awkwardly under her. As if she had taken a few steps and just collapsed where she had stood. She was crying loudly now, tears streaming down her cheeks, her face all red, staring at the little piece of paper. Cameron, fearing the worst, rushed over to her and picked her up. I stood where I was, at the doorway, too shaken to do anything.
C: “Don’t cry Ellie. Please don’t. I. . . I . . . Look, I’m sorry about what I said . . . the last time. It doesn’t matter to me if you’re HIV positive.”
E: “I-i-i-i-t. . i-i-it’s . . ”
Ellie took a deep breath, blew her nose and tried to calm herself down.
E: “It’s not that! . . . . I’m just so relieved! The results are neg-“
With that she broke into a large wail again and thrust the slip of paper into my hands. She was right! The results were negative! Ellie didn’t have AIDS!!!!! This was the best news EVER! The influx of emotions within me was too much to control. Tears started to escape my eyes. I picked up my phone and called Trey.
T: “Jesse?”
Me: “Sh-sh-sh-she’s fine!”
I sniffled loudly into the phone and groped for my pack of tissue in my bag.
T: “Then why are you crying!?! Stop scaring me!”
Me: “W-w-w-we’re j-j-just so r-r-r-elieved!!”
T: “Right, I’m coming down to get you now. You don’t sound anything like relieved to me!”
More sniffles and now laughter. Ellie had regained some of her composure and the three of us were making our way out of the doctor’s office. Cameron caught me up in a big bear hug and whispered to me: “Thanks for staying by her side all this while man.” I smiled weakly back “I’m just glad this whole thing is over.”
For me, this whole ordeal has made me realise just how dangerous casual sex can be. I mean, its not only just AIDS. There are many other STDs out there. Many of which CANNOT be prevented by the simple use of a condom, or any other birth control device. A slight mis-step and it can ruin you for life. Life is too precious to take a chance on. I’m glad Trey and I have made the right decision. And so should you.
Don’t gamble your life away just for a moment of pleasure
“Get Involved with Jesse and Trey @ http://www.notsosecretlives.com/”
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